JOKE TIME

Best of the Best Beauty Pageant Boo Boos
Host: Saan ang dream vacation mo?

Contestant : Amangpulo.

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Host : What was the very first gift that you gave to yourgirlfriend?

Male Contestant : Uhmm...taptoy.

Host: What taptoy?

Male Contestant : Taptoy na teddy bird.

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Host: What's your ideal age for marriage?

Girl:Uhm, uhm, I am not sure....

Host:Hindi, kunwari ikaw, more or less.

Girl:Uhmm. more. (Crowd booing... ) Sige, Sige. Less,less....

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hOST:If you had a foreigner friend, where will you bring him toshowcase the beauty of the Philippines?

Girl Contestant:Bocaue.

Host: Bocaue. Why Bocaue? There are so many places in the Phils? Why Bocaue?

Girl: Because it's a magnificent place.

Host: Which part of Bocaue?

Girl:The Bocaue Rice Terraces.

(Banaue Kaya Yon!!)

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The contestant, presenting herself, talks into the mic and says,

"Hi!I'm Cristine Reyes from Bagiuo.,"

and then she turns around, walks a little,

goes back then yells at the top of her lungs!

Then shouts,"CITYYYYYYYY!!!!"

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(From Little Miss Philippines)Host: Anong gusto mo pag-laki mo?

Girl: Maging lalaki po!

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Host: Who's your favorite author?

Contestant: Danielle SteeleHost: Why Danielle Steele?

Contestant: Because, because.Danielle Steele, I like best.

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Host: How would you like me to address you?

Contestant: My address is Project 8, Quezon City!

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Host: What is your best feature?

Contestant: My graduation feature.

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Host: So tell us, why did join this contest?

Contestant: Me, join this contest, why did I????? Thank you!

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Host: What do you want to be after you graduate?

Contestant: I want to be a success Medicine.

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Host: Hindi ito boob, hindi ito tube. Pero tinatawag itong boobtube. Ano ito?

Contestant : BRA!

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Host: What is you favorite motto?

Contestant: If others can't why, why can't I!

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Host : What would you like to say to foreigners?

Contestant: Please come back.

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(From gay beauty contest)

Host: What is the one thing that symbolizes happiness for you?

Gay contestant: (Stops, thinks and then smiles.)

EGGPLANT PO!

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Host : What is your typical day?

Contestant : I think Saturday po!

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(From gay contest)

Host: Ano ang advantage mo sa ibang contestant?

Gay Contestant : I think and believe na bilang isang bading......ano ngapo ulit yung question?############

Host: Which part of your body is your best asset?

Contestant : (Believe it or not she answered) Si Melanie Marquez po!

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Host : What is your favorite motto?

Contestant : (After a long pause) I don't have a motto eh. (So the crowdstarts helping her out. The crowd starts saying "Time is gold! Time is gold!")

Contestant : I have na po. Chinese gold!

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Host : If you were to describe the color blue to a blind person, how would you do it?"

Contestant: That's a very good question. Keep it up. (Then the girl turns and walks away.)############

Host: So, you're vegetarian, what is your favorite vegetable?

Contestant : I like potatoes, tomatoes, beans and what's that na nga?KALABASH?############

Host : Who is your favorite fictional character?

Girl : JOSE RIZAL! (Crowd starts laughing.)

Host : Who is your favorite hero then?

Girl: Hulk Hogan.

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Host : If you were to become a superhero, what would your power be?

Girl Contestant: Uhmm... a bumble bee!

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Host : What is your edge over the other contestants?

Girl Contestant : My edge.... 23 years old.

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Host : What, in your opinion, is the ideal age for marriage?

Girl : Between 24 and 25!

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Host : How do you see yourself 10 years from now?

Girl : I'll be 28 years old.

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Host : Describe your love one in three words.

Girl : Kahit nga po 1 word, kaya ko.

Host : OK, sige!

Girl : In one word, MY LIFE!

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Host : If you were given any special power, what would itbe?

Girl : Power of Attorney!

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Host : So you like reading, who's your favorite author?

gIRL: Uhmm, Shakespeare.

Host : What works of Shakespeare?

Girl : Hindi ko po alam eh, depende.....

Host : But he's your favorite.

Girl : Eh kasi patay na sya eh.

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Host : What is the biggest problem facing the youth today?

Girl : Drugs.

Host : Why?

Girl : Mahal eh!

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Host : What is the essence of being gay?

Contestant : I'm proud to be gay because what is naked is essential to the eye!

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Host : What makes you blush?

Girl : Blush on!

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Host : What is the essence of a man?

Gay Contestant : Testicles!

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Host : Hey, I heard you almost didn't make it, how did you get here?Did you ride or did you walk?

Gay Contestant : Of course, did you ride. What do you think of me, did you walk?

Delayed ng Isang Buwan
Pag dating ni Munir sa bahay, sabi ni Ei, ang asawa nya, "Sweetheart, delayed ako ng isang buwan. Kagagaling ko lang sa doktor. Pero huwag mong sabihin kahit kanino, kung hindi mapapahiya lang ako kapag di nagkatotoo."Kinaumagahan, merong dumating na taga-Meralco. Pagbukas ng pinto, sabi niya, "Ale, delayed ho kayo ng isang buwan.""Kanino mo nalaman ito?" tanong ni Ei."Nandito ho nakasulat sa records namin," sagot ng taga-Meralco."Talaga? Nakasulat sa records ninyo?"Sa sumunod na araw, si Munir ay dumating galit na galit sa counter ng Meralco."Paano niyo nalaman na delayed ng isang buwan ang misis ko?"Konting pasensya lang. Kung gusto niyong mawala sa records namin ito, magbayad na lang kayo," sagot ng isang empleyado."Eh, kung ayaw kong magbayad?" tanong ni Munir."Puputulan ho kayo," sagot ng empleyado."Kung puputulan ako, anong gagamitin ng misis ko?""Pwede naman siyang gumamit ng kandila, di ba?"

Tatay: Anak, ibili mo nga ako ng softdrink

Anak: Coke o Pepsi?

Tatay: CokeAnak: Diet o Regular?

Tatay: regularAnak: Bote o in can?

Tatay: Bote

Anak: 8 oz o litro?

Tatay: Puneta, tubig na nga lang.

Anak: Mineral o distilled?

Tatay: Mineral.

Anak: Malamig o hindi?

Tatay: Hahampasin na kita ng walis eh!

Anak: Tambo o tingting?

Tatay: Hayop ka!

Anak: Baka o kambing?

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Ale: Doc, meron po akong brownish discharge.Parang na- infect.

Duktor: Gaano kadalas ka mag-sex?

Ale: Once a year po.

Duktor: Ahh, hindi yan infection, KALAWANG YAN!!

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CENSUS officer: Mrs, ilan bang anak nyo?

MRS: 14 po.

CENSUS: Ang dami naman! Di ba kayo gumagamit ng pills, condom, withdrawal o rhythm?

MRS: Hindi po, kwan lang po ng mister ko talaga!

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Loi: "Love, may mga friends ako na nagpa-enhance ng boobs. Okey lang ba sayo kung magpadagdag din ako?

Erap: "Ewan ko, parang hindi yata bagay sa'yoang tatlong suso!!!"

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Mental patient is singing while lying in hishospital bed. After a song, he turns face down to sing again.

NURSE: Bakit ka bumaliktad?

PATIENT: Side B na kasi eh.

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WIFE: Doc, bakit lumalabas ang mga ugat sa bird ng mister ko?

DOC: Varicose veins yon!

WIFE: Anong cause nun?

DOC: Pareho din sa legs mo....pag laging nakatayo!!!

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Guro: Ano dapat gawin pag may lindol?

Boy: Buksan po ang ilaw!

Guro: Bakit?

Boy: Kasi po sa bahay kubo namin, madalas lumindol kapag gabi, pero pag-switch ko po ng ilaw, biglang tumitigil!!!

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BADING na may binili sa MERCURY Drug Store............

Bading: Miss, may XXL ba kayo na condom?

Miss: Meron po, bibili ba kayo?

Bading: Hindi, aabangan ko ang bibili nyan!

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Isang ale to another: How do you make your husband punctual in coming home from work?Second ale: Simple........ I tell him sex will start at exactly 9 pm, with or without him!!!

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ANAK: ;'Nay, sabi ng titser ko ang ina ay ILAWNG TAHANAN. Eh ano naman po ang tawag sa ama?

INA: (aburido) Sabihin mo sa ma'am mo, ang AMA ang taga-PUNDI NG ILAW!!!

“Success seems to be connected with action. Successful people keep moving.
They make mistakes but they never quit.”